I had big plans for this year; in fact, I dubbed 2014 “The Year of Karlye.” My divorce was finalized early in the year, so I wanted to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. I wanted to move on and my main goal was to work on making myself stronger–physically, mentally, and emotionally. I really wanted to share my journey through this blog, not only to hold myself accountable, but to help other people who have struggled with losing weight the first, second, or third plus time. Here I am, a third of my way into this year, and I feel like I am making no progress.
I’m so frustrated with myself. But, I’m also really embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that every week my post is about my struggles and never really about my progress… because there is none! Of course, I wanted some posts to talk about my struggles because weight loss is not an easy journey. It’s hard! BUT, along with those struggles, there should be victories. I should be celebrating pounds or inches lost, strength gained, and non-scale victories I’ve experienced.
Every day I wake up determined to eat clean and move more. Every.single.day. But, often times, I mess up. I either eat something I shouldn’t eat without even thinking about it, or I eat something while thinking “I shouldn’t be eating this.” Clearly, I still have a lot of emotional issues I’m trying to work through and, mentally, I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would go so far as to call it an addiction.
I look back on pictures of myself when I was smaller and I look so unbelievably happy. I know I wasn’t just happy because I was small, but I was smaller because I was genuinely happy. I look in the mirror now and I hardly recognize myself because I have gotten so big. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It seems like I’m wearing a fat suit, but I can’t just take it off. When I see this extra weight, I see all the pain and heartbreak I’ve experienced in the past 2 years. It’s really hard to see that every day; it’s devastating. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m so damaged, I’ll never see that smaller, healthier, happy girl again.
Unfortunately, I also have a medical condition (I’ll talk more about this in a future post) that makes it harder to lose weight; it doesn’t make it impossible, it just makes it harder. So, in order for me to lose weight, I really need to be on point and consistent. I’m not one of those people who loses 10lbs from making one simple swap in their diet. I’m someone who gains 5lbs from LOOKING at a cupcake. Seriously though, I’ve gained almost 10lbs in one week before. ONE.WEEK! Just because my hormones were out of whack!! Ironically, losing weight is one of the major things that reduces the symptoms of this condition. Mother Nature has a sick sense of humor, doesn’t she?!
The divorce, the food addiction fueled by the crazy emotions, the medical condition–these are major factors in my weight gain and struggle with weight loss. They aren’t, however, an excuse. None of these things makes weight loss impossible; I just need to fight harder because of them. I need to fight for myself and for my son because he deserves a happy and healthy mom just as much as I deserve to be happy and healthy.
Losing weight is definitely harder this time around, and I feel like I’ve been letting you guys down. But, don’t worry. This momma isn’t throwing in the towel. I WILL keep pushing forward. After all, you only fail when you stop trying. 🙂
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