Before Amber shared her desire to blog for the website, she started journaling. She wrote down her deepest, sometimes darkest feelings about herself, her weight, and her desire to get fit. For me, personally, reading this was gut-wrenching… Amber is not only my sister-in-law, but my friend and I hate to see a friend down on herself. Then again, I know where she’s coming from. I’ve been there, too… feeling overweight, defeated, and stuck.
Amber: Thank you for sharing this. I know you will be an inspiration to someone going through the same thing!
As I wake up on November 20 I realize that I feel super bloated so I decided to go to weigh myself for the first time in weeks and I get on the scale of course, there’s a number on there that I’m just not ready to face. This has gotten out-of-hand.
My resolve is now determination that I will allow my sister-in-law to provide me whatever type of diet she wants to give me into 2015 — I’ve got to do something about my weight because I refuse to look this bad forever. It’s no longer just about the wedding, it’s about me getting in shape and not having cellulite and not feeling like crap all the time.
I’m sick of being the big girl at the party… sick of being the one who never wants to go to the pool or never wants to travel anywhere cause I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. I’m 30 years old at this point time and if I’m not going to do it, when I turn 30 and when I’m getting married, then when am I going to do it?
I have the perfect person, the perfect occasion, and it’s time.
Time to get serious and get this weight off. I don’t want to die.
I don’t even know if I can call today my first day or not but I wanted to write down my thoughts anyway. About 2 weeks ago my brother came over and got ready to sit where I usually sit on the couch. He immediately got up and said he knew the seat was mine because it was dented in. I felt awful that I am that fat but I am that fat. No matter how much I want to deny it… I am. There is definitely a dent in the bed where I lay, too, and maybe skinny people leave dents but honestly I just hate feeling like my fat is in the way. I need to get my life together asap. I need to get serious because I am honestly disgusting. Honestly I am. I need to lose weight and stop making excuses asap. Seriously… I need to do something…
So I definitely started out the day with good intentions but, I was starving by the time we got to breakfast and, being so hungry, noticed they had this full breakfast option on the menu that came with french toast. I love big breakfasts with french toast! I got it and when it came out, it was that nasty challah stuff (not a fan). But still, it got me thinking: why am I so messed up that taking away things I love seems impossible? Like, french toast, really? And, I ate it. All of it.
For dinner I did better. I ordered ate a single piece of turkey meatloaf (one square out of 6) some rice pilaf, broccoli, and a biscuit from Red Lobster. So all in all not bad. And even though I had half a glass of wine and a mixed drink, I think it was a good day. I just needed a workout and it would have been acceptable. And, of course, maybe next time I can make a better decision at breakfast (no french toast).
I’m feeling the worst I have ever felt. I feel completely bloated, I have gained 3 pounds and honestly I have no reason why. I didn’t think I overdid it this much, but apparently I have. I feel fat. I feel like a house. I have to do something. First step is joining SoldierFit on Monday, but my eating is the issue I have to change immediately. It’s 80 percent what you eat and 20 percent how much you work out. I know that. Food is the problem. I can’t eat like I want to. I have to change the way eat. Immediately.
I’ve spent the last week being sick. It was awful. I didn’t eat much, which was good, but as soon as I started feeling better and had a chance to eat, I went overboard. Friday I had a Starbucks sausage and cheese sandwich (bad) and a grande non-fat caramel macchiato. Then for lunch I had a long island (can you tell I was feeling better?), potato skins, chicken wings, and a half a caesar salad. Dinner was probably the worst: a few more drinks (champagne, an espresso martini, and two miller lights), french toast (again!), eggs scramble with cheese, sausage, and hash browns… Need I go on!!! Awful. Just awful.
While I try to do better I still have a day where I don’t do better. I went to McDonalds and Noodles and Company. In total I know I’ve had way too many calories today… a Mocha Frappe from McDonalds and cheese bread from Noodles and Company… Am I even trying? I need to get my life together.
Have you ever felt like you needed to get your life together?
Have you ever felt completely down on yourself?
Have you ever thought long and hard about what you ought to do, but actually doing it felt impossible?
Let’s all give Amber a virtual high five for facing these feelings head-on and fighting for the change she so desperately longs for, and for being brave enough to share those thoughts here and let others who might be feeling the same know they’re certainly not alone. (Also, spoiler: Amber turns things around soon! So excited to share her progress!)
JUST JOINING US?
AMBER IS MY SISTER-IN-LAW AND BLOGGING HER WAY TO THE WEDDING. CHECK OUT HER INTRODUCTION, CHECK OUT HER COLUMN, AND FOLLOW HER ON INSTAGRAM!